“They never hit me. But they made me doubt my mind, my worth, my sanity. And that’s the scar I still carry.”
Coercive control is an insidious, often invisible form of abuse. Unlike physical violence, it operates beneath the surface—through manipulation, isolation, control, and degradation. The amount of people who are met with statements such as ‘but he/she never hit you, it can’t have been that bad’! That’s the problem with coercive abuse. It leaves no bruises, yet it leaves deep emotional scars. And long after the relationship ends, those scars shape the lives of survivors and their children.
This blog reflects on coercive abuse in intimate relationships, the impact on the abused, the complex psychology of the abuser, and the deep ripple effect on children. Drawing on research and trauma-informed insights, it seeks to give voice to the silent struggles behind closed doors.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coined by sociologist Evan Stark (2007), coercive control is a “strategic course of oppressive behaviour” designed to dominate and entrap. It’s about power and control, rather than anger or conflict. It may involve financial control, threats, emotional manipulation, social isolation, gaslighting, surveillance, or micromanaging daily life.
The hallmark of coercive control is its cumulative effect. Day after day, the person being abused loses autonomy, self-worth, and even their sense of identity.
The Hidden Pain of the Abused
Survivors of coercive abuse often speak of losing themselves. What starts as subtle manipulation grows into constant self-doubt:
“I wasn’t allowed to have friends.” “He needed to know where I was every minute.” “I thought I was going crazy.”
These aren’t anecdotes—they’re patterns seen across countless cases of coercive abuse.
Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory (2011) explains how the nervous system responds to persistent threat. Survivors often live in a constant state of hypervigilance, caught between fight, flight, or freeze. Over time, this can result in chronic anxiety, depression, PTSD, dissociation, and health problems. The trauma becomes embodied.
Maria Lotty (2021), an Irish expert in trauma-informed practice, emphasises how coercive environments impact children. She notes that children raised in these households “often live in fear and silence, constantly attuned to the moods of the adult perpetrator.” Even if they’re not the direct target, they are witnesses—and victims—of emotional abuse and psychological harm.
The Aftermath: Leaving Isn’t the End
Leaving a coercive relationship is not always the relief it’s assumed to be. Survivors may feel:
Shame for “allowing” the abuse to happen. Guilt for disrupting the family unit or involving authorities. Fear of being disbelieved, especially if the abuse wasn’t physical. Confusion, as they try to make sense of the years spent second-guessing themselves.
For many, the trauma continues long after leaving. Flashbacks, fear of intimacy, difficulty trusting, and emotional numbing are common. As Judith Herman (1992) notes in Trauma and Recovery, healing from relational abuse requires safety, remembrance, and reconnection—but survivors often face systemic disbelief or minimisation instead.
What About the Abuser?
It is tempting to see abusers as simply “monsters”—but that rarely leads to understanding or prevention.
Many perpetrators of coercive control have deep attachment wounds, low emotional intelligence, or narcissistic traits. Others seek control to avoid their own feelings of powerlessness or insecurity. However, understanding is not excusing. Abusers often repeat patterns they witnessed in childhood—yet, unlike the survivors, they act them out rather than heal them.
Research suggests that some abusers, particularly those with Antisocial or Narcissistic Personality Traits (APA, 2013), derive a sense of superiority from manipulating others. They may dehumanise their partner or children to preserve their own fragile ego. Therapy is rarely effective unless there is a genuine desire to change—which is uncommon without accountability.
The Impact on Children: ACEs and Generational Trauma
Children who grow up in homes marked by coercive control are not just witnesses—they are active participants in a silent war zone.
This contributes to Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), which research links to:
Increased risk of mental health issues Poor educational outcomes Relationship difficulties Chronic disease and early mortality (Felitti et al., 1998)
Maria Lotty highlights that children exposed to controlling or abusive dynamics often develop “toxic stress responses”, affecting brain development, attachment styles, and ability to regulate emotion. They may learn that love equals control, and repeat these dynamics in adulthood—either as abuser or abused.
However, resilience is possible. With the right support—trauma-informed therapy, safe relationships, and self-awareness—children and adults can heal.
Shame: The Silencer
Shame is the abuser’s strongest weapon. It convinces victims that they are weak, stupid, or complicit. It tells children that they are unlovable or to blame. And it stops survivors from seeking help, for fear they will not be believed or respected.
Trauma researcher Brené Brown (2012) notes that shame thrives in secrecy. Speaking out, telling the truth of one’s story, and being met with empathy is the antidote. That’s why awareness, education, and trauma-informed approaches are so vital—not just in therapy, but in schools, courts, and communities.
Moving Toward Healing
Survivors of coercive abuse are not weak—they are some of the strongest people you will meet. But healing is a journey. It involves:
Reclaiming voice and agency Developing safe relationships Understanding trauma responses Reparenting the inner child Finding meaning beyond survival
Supporting children involves creating predictable, nurturing, emotionally safe environments. As Maria Lotty writes, “Trauma-informed care is not about what’s wrong with you, but about what happened to you—and what’s possible now.”
Final Thoughts
Coercive abuse strips people of their freedom, self-worth, and emotional safety. But through compassionate understanding, safe spaces, and the courage to speak, recovery is possible—for survivors, and for the next generation.
We must not look away. Behind every quiet house with the blinds closed, there may be a story of control, fear, and survival. By raising awareness and holding abusers accountable, we create a society where respect, equality, and love—not control—shape our relationships.
If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control or abuse, please seek support. In Ireland, you can contact Women’s Aid (1800 341 900) or Men’s Aid (01 554 3811). Your story matters.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.).
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. Avery.
Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., et al. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many leading causes of death in adults. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258.
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
Lotty, M. (2021). A Trauma Informed Relational Model: Supporting Children and Young People in Care.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation.
W. W. Norton & Company. Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.
Dr M’s thoughts 