High-functioning depression is often silent — but its ripple effects are not. While the person experiencing it may carry on with daily life, fulfilling responsibilities and appearing “together,” the emotional undercurrent can have a profound impact on the people around them, especially children.
In therapeutic and educational settings, we often see children struggling with anxiety, low self-esteem, perfectionism, or emotional dysregulation. Sometimes these children live in homes that appear stable, functional, and even high-achieving. But beneath the surface, they are absorbing the emotional atmosphere created by a parent who is running on empty.
Today I would like to explore how high-functioning depression in parents and caregivers affects children, and how we, as practitioners, educators, and family members, can support these children with compassion and care.
The Emotional Climate of the Home
Children are incredibly perceptive. They may not understand adult emotions in detail, but they are finely tuned to changes in tone, expression, body language, and energy. When a parent is living with high-functioning depression, even if they are physically present and meeting practical needs, their emotional availability may be diminished.
Parents may appear distracted, emotionally flat, or irritable. They may struggle to engage in play, offer consistent praise, or express warmth — not because they don’t care, but because they are overwhelmed. Research shows that parental depression, even when mild or moderate, can affect parent-child interactions and attachment relationships (Goodman & Gotlib, 1999).
Children may begin to internalise this emotional absence, wondering, “Why is Mum always tired?” or “Did I do something wrong?” Without appropriate explanation or support, they can develop feelings of guilt, insecurity, or confusion about their role in the family.
Invisible Strain, Visible Behaviours
Children living in homes impacted by high-functioning depression may:
Take on caregiving roles, becoming “little adults” to maintain harmony
Display heightened anxiety, particularly around performance or approval
Struggle to name or manage emotions, mirroring the emotional suppression they observe
Become withdrawn, compliant, or overly independent
Act out behaviourally at school or in peer relationships
In some cases, they may develop perfectionistic tendencies, constantly striving to be “good enough” to earn affection or ease tension. Others may become hyper-vigilant, trying to monitor and manage the emotional state of the adults around them — a dynamic often seen in emotionally parentified children (Chase, 1999).
These behaviours are rarely malicious or attention-seeking; they are adaptive responses to emotional ambiguity and unpredictability.
Breaking the Silence: Naming the Experience
One of the most powerful interventions is helping families name what is happening. High-functioning depression thrives in silence — and that silence can confuse and destabilise children. When the emotional atmosphere doesn’t match the words being spoken (“I’m fine”), children receive conflicting messages, and this can erode trust in their own emotional instincts.
Psychoeducation can help. Age-appropriate conversations about mental health, supported by calm, consistent language, can normalise emotional fluctuations without burdening the child. For example:
“Sometimes grown-ups feel low or tired even when everything looks okay. It’s not because of you, and you’re not responsible for fixing it. But you can always talk to me about how you’re feeling.”
When a parent acknowledges their emotions and seeks support, it models resilience and emotional honesty — both of which are protective factors for children.
Supporting Children in These Families
For practitioners working with children affected by high-functioning depression in caregivers, the focus is often on three key areas:
1. Creating Safe, Consistent Spaces
Children benefit from environments where they are seen, heard, and emotionally held. Whether in a classroom, therapy room, or extracurricular setting, offering consistent routines and attuned relationships can provide relief and grounding.
2. Helping Children Understand Emotions
When children are raised in emotionally muted or confusing environments, they may struggle to recognise and regulate their own feelings. Programmes that focus on emotional literacy, such as Zones of Regulation (Kuypers, 2011) or Emotion Coaching (Gottman et al., 1996), can be incredibly helpful in giving children the language and tools to process what they feel.
3. Strengthening Protective Factors
Building children’s self-esteem, supporting their interests, nurturing peer relationships, and providing access to trusted adults are all ways to buffer against the stress of living with a caregiver who is emotionally struggling. Research shows that even one stable, supportive adult relationship can significantly reduce the long-term impact of adversity (Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University, 2015).
Supporting Parents Without Shame
It’s also vital that we support the parent experiencing high-functioning depression without adding shame or blame. Many feel guilty for how their mood might be affecting their children, which can deepen their depression and isolate them further. Compassionate, non-judgmental support — through therapy, parent mentoring, peer groups, or even short breaks from caregiving — can begin to shift this cycle.
Offering flexible, accessible mental health services, and reminding parents that they don’t need to be perfect, just present, can go a long way. As Siegel and Hartzell (2003) write in Parenting from the Inside Out, “when we make sense of our own story, we give our children the gift of resilience.”
Finally:
High-functioning depression is not always visible. But its effects ripple out through homes, routines, and relationships. Children may not be able to name what’s wrong, but they often carry the emotional tension in their bodies, behaviours, and beliefs.
By listening closely, creating safe emotional spaces, and supporting both children and caregivers with empathy, we can begin to interrupt this quiet transmission of distress — and plant seeds of healing across generations.
Because when one person’s suffering is held with understanding, the whole family can begin to breathe again.
References:
Center on the Developing Child. (2015). Supportive Relationships and Active Skill-Building Strengthen the Foundations of Resilience. Harvard University.
Chase, N. D. (1999). Burdened Children: Theory, Research, and Treatment of Parentification. Sage Publications.
Goodman, S. H., & Gotlib, I. H. (1999). Risk for psychopathology in the children of depressed mothers: A developmental model for understanding mechanisms of transmission. Psychological Review, 106(3), 458–490.
Gottman, J., Katz, L., & Hooven, C. (1996). Meta-Emotion: How Families Communicate Emotionally. Lawrence Erlbaum.
Kuypers, L. (2011). The Zones of Regulation: A Curriculum Designed to Foster Self-Regulation and Emotional Control. Think Social Publishing.
Rutherford, M. (2015). Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism That Masks Your Depression. New Harbinger.
Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out. TarcherPerigee.
Dr M’s thoughts 