Often we don’t realise how much emotional weight we are carrying until we finally speak it out loud. Clients often come in describing exhaustion, burnout, irritability — but without a clear reason why. Their work might be manageable. Their sleep, sufficient. Yet they feel chronically depleted.
As part of a session we trace this feeling back to a pattern of interactions — with a friend, a colleague, a partner, a family member — that leaves them emotionally drained. That’s when the term “energy vampire” sometimes surfaces in the room.
And while I assure them there’s no scientific process by which someone can literally suck the life out of us, the metaphor holds weight.
What are Energy Vampires
Energy vampires are people who, whether intentionally or not, leave us feeling emotionally exhausted after contact. These are the individuals who dominate every conversation, focus relentlessly on the negative, continually criticise others views, and try to enforce their own, seek constant validation, or bring drama into every interaction. They ‘catastrophize’ even the smallest situation.
They may not be “bad” people. In fact, many of them are wounded themselves — dealing with unresolved trauma, insecurity, or deep loneliness. But over time, their behaviour can wear others down.
You might recognise energy vampire behaviour in:
A colleague who unloads every frustration on you daily without seeking solutions. A friend who constantly needs reassurance and validation, but rarely offers the same. A partner who centres every conversation around their needs and disregards yours. A family member who subtly guilt-trips, criticises, or plays the victim.
The emotional drain can be cumulative. Research on emotional contagion — the phenomenon where we absorb the feelings of those around us — supports this idea (Hatfield et al., 1994). Just as joy can be infectious, so can chronic negativity.
Why Are You Affected?
Some people seem more susceptible to this emotional depletion than others. In my experience, highly empathetic individuals, people-pleasers, or those who have difficulty saying “no” are especially vulnerable. This isn’t a flaw — it’s often a beautiful sensitivity that has just been overexploited.
If you’re someone who naturally tunes into others’ emotions, you might unconsciously match their mood or try to ‘fix’ their problems. Over time, this takes a toll.
Attachment history also plays a role. People who grew up in environments where they had to manage others’ emotions to stay safe or be loved may struggle to separate their own needs from others’ demands (Liotti & Gilbert, 2011).
How Might This Be Affecting Your Health?
When you are constantly managing another person’s emotional load, you may experience:
Mental fatigue – struggling to focus or make decisions.
Anxiety and irritability – feeling on edge or resentful.
Physical symptoms – headaches, stomach discomfort, sleep disruption.
Low mood – a sense of dread before interacting with certain individuals.
Your nervous system doesn’t distinguish between a physical and emotional threat. So if an interaction repeatedly triggers a stress response — even subtly — it will eventually start to affect your overall health (McEwen & Stellar, 1993). Chronic stress is linked to inflammation, cardiovascular problems, and even lowered immunity.
So What Can You Do?
If this resonates with you, it’s not about blaming others. It’s about protecting your energy in a way that honours your emotional wellbeing. Here are some psychologist-backed strategies:
1. Name It
Awareness is the first step. Once you recognise the pattern, you can begin to take back control. Ask yourself: How do I feel after spending time with this person? Energised? Drained?
2. Set Boundaries
This might mean limiting contact, changing the subject when conversations become toxic, or gently stating what you can and can’t take on emotionally. Boundaries are not punishments — they’re filters that protect your capacity to show up in your life.
3. Limit Exposure
If the person is not someone you can cut off (a boss, a parent, etc.), look at ways to create emotional distance. Can you limit how often you see them, or how long the conversations last? Can you keep interactions in group settings?
4. Boost Your Energy Bank
Balance draining relationships with energising ones. Spend time with people who uplift, laugh, listen, and support. Also, engage in restorative practices — like walking in nature, journaling, meditating, or simply sitting quietly without stimulation.
5. Seek Support
Sometimes, the emotional dynamic is too complex to manage alone — especially if the relationship is with a parent, partner, or long-term friend. Therapy can help you untangle these dynamics and build healthier emotional habits.
Feeling depleted?
If you’re feeling chronically depleted, don’t rush to blame yourself or assume you’re just “not coping.” Sometimes it’s not the weight of your life that’s too heavy — it’s the weight of the emotional baggage you’ve been carrying for others.
So take a moment to reflect:
Who in your life leaves you feeling tired or small after spending time with them? What would it mean to put your emotional needs first, even for one day this week?
You deserve relationships that are reciprocal, respectful, and recharging. And if you’re someone who might be the energy vampire in someone else’s life — this isn’t about shame. It’s a chance to reflect, grow, and create more emotionally balanced connections.
References
Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. T., & Rapson, R. L. (1994). Emotional contagion. Cambridge University Press.
Liotti, G., & Gilbert, P. (2011). Mentalizing, motivation, and social mentalities: Theoretical considerations and implications for psychotherapy. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 84(1), 9–25.
McEwen, B. S., & Stellar, E. (1993). Stress and the individual: Mechanisms leading to disease. Archives of Internal Medicine, 153(18), 2093–2101.
Dr M’s thoughts 