Parents Matter Too

Psychological support for parents navigating neurodiversity

Parents Matter Too — a weekly therapeutic reflection supporting parents of neurodiverse children.

Week 2: Diagnosis Shock — When Relief and Grief Collide

The Moment Everything Shifts

Parents often describe the moment of diagnosis as surreal.

They may have been waiting months — sometimes years — for clarity. There may have been school concerns, developmental differences, behavioural questions, sleepless nights of wondering. And yet, when the words are finally spoken — autism, ADHD, developmental difference — something internal shifts.

For some, there is immediate relief.

For others, there is a sinking feeling.

For many, it is both.

A diagnosis can validate instincts and provide access to support. But psychologically, it also marks a transition point. It asks parents to reorganise their understanding of their child, their expectations, and often their imagined future — all at once.

That is not a small adjustment.

The Emotional Whiplash Parents Rarely Admit

Research consistently shows that parents of neurodivergent children experience higher levels of stress than parents of typically developing children (Hayes and Watson, 2013). Importantly, this stress often increases during periods of transition — and diagnosis is one of the most significant transitions of all (Pardo-Salamanca et al., 2024).

What many parents experience in the days and weeks after diagnosis is not just stress, but emotional fluctuation.

One moment there is clarity: Now we understand.

The next, fear creeps in: What will this mean for school? Friendships? Adulthood?

This simultaneous experience of relief and grief can feel confusing. Some parents describe guilt for feeling sadness. Others feel ashamed of their anxiety, telling themselves they should be grateful for answers.

But psychologically, both responses make sense.

Diagnosis often disrupts certainty. Even when it explains the past, it can make the future feel less predictable. The nervous system responds to uncertainty as a potential threat. When parents are required to quickly shift into advocacy mode — researching supports, contacting schools, informing family — there is little opportunity to emotionally process what has happened.

Over time, this sustained activation can lead to emotional exhaustion, irritability, low mood, and sleep disturbance (Faden, Merdad and Faden, 2023). It is not uncommon for parents to describe feeling “on edge” or internally unsettled during this period.

These reactions are not weakness. They are adjustment responses.

Grief for the Loss of Certainty

It is important to name something that many parents hesitate to admit: diagnosis can involve grief.

Not grief for the child — but grief for certainty. Grief for the narrative that once felt straightforward. Grief for the imagined simplicity of milestones.

Hayes and Watson (2013) highlight that parenting stress in neurodivergent contexts is often linked to altered expectations and ongoing unpredictability. When parents are integrating new developmental information, they are also revising internal hopes and timelines. That cognitive and emotional reworking takes energy.

Some parents find themselves oscillating between fierce protectiveness and quiet fear. Others feel pressure to “stay positive,” suppressing more complex emotions. But emotional suppression rarely reduces stress; it tends instead to intensify internal strain over time (Rodriguez et al., 2019).

The Pressure to Be Strong

One of the most challenging aspects of diagnosis is the implicit expectation that parents remain steady.

They are expected to:

absorb the information calmly, explain it to others, reassure extended family, implement strategies immediately, and continue daily life without visible disruption.

Yet parents are human. They are absorbing significant psychological information while still caring for their child’s day-to-day needs.

When parents feel they must hold everything together without space to process, the emotional load becomes heavier. Sustained parenting stress has been linked to increased anxiety and reduced wellbeing where adequate support is not available (Faden, Merdad and Faden, 2023).

Support is not indulgent. It is protective.

A Therapeutic Perspective

From a counselling and psychotherapy perspective, the period following diagnosis is not simply practical — it is relational and emotional. Parents benefit from a space where they can articulate mixed feelings without judgement. A space where grief, relief, fear and hope can coexist.

Processing diagnosis does not diminish advocacy. It strengthens it.

When parents feel emotionally steadier, their nervous systems regulate more effectively. When regulation improves, decision-making becomes clearer and responses to their child become more contained.

And importantly — self-compassion increases.

A Gentle Reflection

If diagnosis has left you feeling unsettled, that makes sense.

If you are relieved and grieving at the same time, that makes sense.

If you are exhausted from holding it together, that makes sense.

You are not failing. You are adjusting to something significant.

And adjustment takes time.

Therapeutic support offers parents space to metabolise this transition — not because something is wrong, but because something important has happened.

Parents matter too.

References

Faden, S.Y., Merdad, N. and Faden, Y.A. (2023) ‘Parental stress and perceived social support in parents of children with neurodevelopmental disorders’, BMC Psychology, 11(1), pp. 1–12.

Hayes, S.A. and Watson, S.L. (2013) ‘The impact of parenting stress: A meta-analysis comparing parents of children with and without autism spectrum disorder’, Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 43(3), pp. 629–642.

Pardo-Salamanca, A. et al. (2024) ‘Parenting stress in parents of autistic and ADHD children’, Frontiers in Psychiatry, 15, Article 12167323.

Rodriguez, C.M. et al. (2019) ‘Parenting stress and parent–child functioning’, Journal of Child and Family Studies, 28(5), pp. 1307–1318.