A reflection for parents
By Dr M
Exam results can bring a powerful mix of emotions into a family. There may be excitement, relief and pride, but there may also be disappointment, worry, embarrassment, frustration and fear about what comes next.
For parents, results day can be emotional too. We naturally want our children to do well. We know the effort that has gone in, the hopes that have been carried and, sometimes, the sacrifices that have been made along the way.
Yet one of the most important things we can remember is this:
An exam result is something your child has received. It is not who your child is.
That distinction matters.
Research around motivation and mindset has long highlighted the importance of the messages children receive about success and failure. When achievement becomes closely connected to identity, children can begin to believe that doing well means they are capable and worthy, while doing poorly means the opposite. A healthier approach is to acknowledge achievement while also recognising effort, persistence, strategies and learning (Dweck, 2006; Gunderson et al., 2013).
So when the results are wonderful, celebrate them.
Celebrate the grade, of course, but celebrate the journey behind it too.
Remind your child of the work they put in, the times they kept going when they felt tired, the challenges they overcame and the commitment they demonstrated.
There is an important difference between saying:
“I am so proud because you got brilliant results”
and
“I am so proud of how hard you worked and how much you persevered.”
The second message helps a young person understand that their strengths lie not only in the final outcome, but also in the qualities that helped them get there.
Success should be enjoyed. But we also want our children to know that our love, pride and belief in them are not conditional upon a set of grades.
When the results are disappointing
This is often where parenting becomes more difficult.
A young person who has not achieved the result they hoped for may already be struggling with disappointment, embarrassment or fear. In that moment, they may not simply be thinking, “I did badly in an exam.”
They may be thinking:
“I have failed.”
That is a very different emotional experience.
One describes an outcome.
The other describes the self.
Helping children separate the two is enormously important.
Growth mindset theory emphasises that abilities and outcomes are not necessarily fixed and that difficulties can become opportunities for learning, adaptation and further development (Dweck, 2006). This does not mean pretending that disappointing results do not matter. Nor does it mean covering disappointment with forced positivity.
Young people are allowed to be upset.
They are allowed to grieve the result they hoped for.
Resilience is not about never feeling disappointed. It is about gradually learning that disappointment can be experienced, processed and survived, and that there can still be movement afterwards (Masten, 2014).
Sometimes the most helpful thing a parent can do initially is simply acknowledge the feeling.
“I know this is not what you hoped for.”
“I can see how disappointed you are.”
And perhaps most importantly:
“We will work out what comes next.”
Supportive relationships are one of the strongest protective factors identified within resilience research. Children and young people cope better with adversity when they have dependable adults who provide emotional security, encouragement and practical support (Masten, 2014).
Before we try to solve the problem, therefore, we need to make sure our young person feels safe enough to experience it.
Our disappointment belongs to us
This can be particularly challenging for parents.
We have our own hopes for our children.
We may have imagined a particular university, course, career or pathway. We may know that our child was capable of more. We may even feel frustrated because we remember encouraging them to study, complete assignments or prepare differently.
Those feelings are understandable.
But they are our feelings.
They should not become another weight for our child to carry.
A young person who is already disappointed should not also have to manage the disappointment of the adults around them.
Comments such as “I knew you should have studied more,” comparisons with siblings or friends, or expressions of frustration about missed opportunities can quickly turn disappointment into shame.
There is a significant difference between:
“I did not achieve the result I wanted”
and
“I have disappointed everyone.”
The second can have a much deeper impact on confidence and self-esteem.
Research has shown that parental expectations and achievement pressure can influence children’s motivation, wellbeing and academic self-concept. High expectations can be positive when accompanied by warmth and support, but pressure that children experience as conditional approval can have negative consequences for wellbeing and self-worth (Grolnick, 2003; Wang and Sheikh-Khalil, 2014).
As parents, sometimes we have to hold our own disappointment quietly while we help our child hold theirs.
I understand the disappointment personally
Perhaps this is one of the reasons I feel so strongly about exam results.
My own educational journey was not a straightforward one.
There was failure at an early stage.
There was disappointment.
At the time, it would have been very easy to believe that this failure meant something much bigger about my ability or about what I might eventually achieve.
But life had other routes.
My pathway did not follow the neat, predictable road that we often imagine education should follow. There were detours, alternative routes, further opportunities, additional learning and new directions.
Those routes ultimately led me towards education, psychology, counselling, consultancy, writing and working with children, families and professionals.
The failure that once seemed so significant did not determine the end of my story.
It became part of it.
And perhaps that is something we do not tell young people often enough.
Success does not always arrive by the most direct route.
Some people travel straight from school to university to career.
Others take the scenic route.
They repeat something.
They change direction.
They enter through another pathway.
They discover a course they had never previously considered.
They take time out.
They return to education later.
They find abilities in themselves that were never measured by the original examination.
Failure and success are not always opposites. Sometimes failure becomes part of the process through which resilience, determination and self-belief develop.
A result does not measure the whole person
Examinations measure particular knowledge and skills under particular conditions at a particular moment in time.
They do not measure everything that matters.
They do not fully measure creativity.
They do not measure compassion.
They do not measure humour.
They do not measure emotional intelligence.
They do not measure courage, kindness, practical ability, determination or the capacity to build meaningful relationships.
And they certainly do not predict the entirety of a young person’s future.
This does not mean that grades are unimportant. They can influence access to courses, training and opportunities.
But an important result is not the same thing as an all-defining result.
When the initial disappointment has passed, that is when problem-solving can begin.
Rather than dwelling endlessly on what should have happened, families can begin looking at what can happen next.
There may be another course.
There may be an alternative entry pathway.
There may be further education, vocational training or an apprenticeship.
There may be an opportunity to repeat a subject or reconsider a direction.
There may even be a completely different future beginning to emerge.
Problem-solving, goal-setting and self-regulation are important parts of successful learning and development. Helping young people reflect on what happened and identify realistic next steps supports them to develop agency rather than simply feeling that life has happened to them (Zimmerman, 2002).
And this is where we can begin to move from disappointment towards hope.
Not unrealistic hope.
Not “everything happens for a reason.”
But grounded hope.
The kind that says:
“This is disappointing. It matters. But there are still things we can do.”
What our children may remember most
Years from now, our children may not remember every grade on the results sheet.
But they may remember the atmosphere in the room.
They may remember whether home felt safe.
They may remember whether they felt celebrated without pressure when they succeeded.
And they may remember whether they felt loved, supported and believed in when they did not.
That is why our response matters.
Celebrate the wonderful results.
Allow the photographs, the excitement and the pride.
But make sure your child knows that you are celebrating them, not simply the numbers beside their name.
And when the results disappoint, try not to rush into criticism, comparison or panic.
Let disappointment be disappointment.
Do not allow it to become shame.
Then, when the emotion settles, help them look forward.
Because one disappointing result does not erase ability.
It does not remove potential.
It does not decide an entire future.
I know this not simply from psychology and research, but from my own life.
My road was not straight.
There were failures and disappointments along the way.
But there were also other routes, second chances, opportunities, achievements and successes that I could never have imagined at that earlier stage.
Perhaps that is one of the most important messages we can give a young person on results day:
This is one moment in your life. It is not the measure of your life.
And if this particular road has not taken you where you hoped to go, we can help you find another one.
References
Dweck, C.S. (2006) Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Random House.
Grolnick, W.S. (2003) The Psychology of Parental Control: How Well-Meant Parenting Backfires. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Gunderson, E.A., Gripshover, S.J., Romero, C., Dweck, C.S., Goldin-Meadow, S. and Levine, S.C. (2013) ‘Parent praise to 1- to 3-year-olds predicts children’s motivational frameworks 5 years later’, Child Development, 84(5), pp. 1526–1541.
Masten, A.S. (2014) Ordinary Magic: Resilience in Development. New York: Guilford Press.
Wang, M.-T. and Sheikh-Khalil, S. (2014) ‘Does parental involvement matter for student achievement and mental health in high school?’, Child Development, 85(2), pp. 610–625.
Zimmerman, B.J. (2002) ‘Becoming a self-regulated learner: An overview’, Theory Into Practice, 41(2), pp. 64–70.
Dr M’s thoughts 