Supporting Big Feelings

Practical and psychological support for parents and children

Week 2: When Your Child’s Feelings Feel Too Much for You

Sometimes it’s not just the child who feels overwhelmed — it’s the parent too.

 

There are moments in parenting when a child’s emotions do not remain contained within the child. Instead, they begin to move into the space around them, shaping the atmosphere of the room and, often, the internal state of the parent as well.

A raised voice, a sudden outburst, a refusal to engage — these moments can arrive quickly and with intensity. What can make them particularly challenging is not only the behaviour itself, but the way it begins to affect us. There may be a tightening in the chest, a shift in breathing, or a growing sense of urgency that something needs to be resolved quickly. Over time, especially when these moments are frequent, they can begin to feel emotionally and physically draining.

For many parents, there is also an internal layer to this experience. A quiet expectation that they should remain calm. A sense that they should know what to do. And when that calm feels out of reach, there can be frustration, guilt, or self-doubt.

From a psychological perspective, these responses are not only understandable — they are expected.

 

When Emotions Move Between Us

Human beings are deeply relational. We are wired to notice and respond to the emotional states of those around us, particularly within close relationships. This capacity for attunement is what allows connection to develop, but it also means that emotions can move between people in subtle and powerful ways.

When a child becomes dysregulated, their nervous system shifts into a heightened state. Their body is communicating distress, even if they cannot put that experience into words. As parents, we are highly attuned to these signals. Without conscious awareness, our own nervous system may begin to respond in kind.

This process, often referred to as emotional contagion, reflects the way in which one person’s emotional state can influence another’s (Siegel, 2012). It can feel as though the intensity of the moment is no longer just the child’s — it becomes shared.

At a physiological level, this is closely linked to the body’s stress response system. When we perceive distress — even in the form of a child’s emotional overwhelm — the body may respond with increased arousal. Heart rate changes, muscles tense, and the capacity for reflective thinking may become reduced (Porges, 2011).

In these moments, it is not uncommon for parents to feel pulled towards reacting quickly, raising their voice, or attempting to regain control of the situation. These responses are not signs of poor parenting; they are signs that the parent’s own system has been activated.

 

When the Past Meets the Present

For some parents, these moments carry an additional layer of complexity. A child’s distress can sometimes resonate with earlier experiences — perhaps times when emotions felt overwhelming, unpredictable, or unsupported.

This does not need to be a conscious process. Often, it is felt rather than remembered. A sense that the current moment feels bigger than it should, or more difficult to manage than expected.

Psychodynamic and attachment-based perspectives suggest that early relational experiences can shape how we respond to stress in later relationships (Schore, 2012). In the context of parenting, this means that our child’s emotional world can, at times, intersect with our own.

Recognising this is not about attributing blame or revisiting the past unnecessarily. Rather, it offers a way of understanding why certain moments feel particularly intense, and why maintaining calm can sometimes feel so difficult.

 

Noticing the Parent’s Experience

In the midst of a child’s emotional intensity, attention is naturally drawn outward — towards the behaviour, the situation, and the need to respond. Yet there is also value in turning attention inward, even briefly.

A parent might begin to notice the early signs of their own activation. The shift in breathing, the tension in the body, or the pace of their thoughts. These signals are often subtle at first, but they provide important information about what is happening internally.

Developing this awareness does not require long periods of reflection. It can begin with a simple noticing. A recognition that something is changing within us.

This awareness creates a small but meaningful space — a moment in which a response can be chosen, rather than driven entirely by the intensity of the moment.

 

The Importance of the Pause

The idea of remaining completely calm during moments of distress can feel unrealistic. Parenting does not happen in ideal conditions, and emotional responses are part of being human.

What is often more achievable, and more meaningful, is the creation of a pause.

This pause does not need to be long. It might be a single slower breath, a softening of posture, or a brief moment of stillness before responding. Even these small shifts can begin to interrupt the automatic stress response and re-engage the parts of the brain associated with reflection and regulation (Siegel, 2012).

Over time, these pauses can become more familiar. They create a different rhythm within the interaction — one that is less reactive and more attuned.

 

Self-Regulation as a Foundation

Children do not learn regulation through instruction alone. They learn it through experience — through repeated moments of being supported, soothed, and understood within a relationship.

In the early years, and often well beyond, a child’s capacity to regulate is not fully developed. Instead, it exists within the space between the child and the adult. Regulation happens together before it can happen independently.

This means that a parent’s emotional state plays an important role in shaping the child’s experience. When a parent is able, even gradually, to soften their tone, slow their pace, or bring a sense of steadiness into the interaction, this begins to influence the child’s internal world.

Over time, these repeated relational experiences become internalised. The child develops a felt sense of what calm is, and how it can be reached. This process is gradual, relational, and often non-linear.

It is also important to recognise that self-regulation in parents is not about remaining calm at all times. Parenting inevitably involves moments of stress, frustration, and emotional intensity. What matters more is the capacity to notice these shifts and to move, however slowly, back towards a place of steadiness.

Attachment research highlights that these cycles of disruption and repair are not only inevitable, but essential. It is through returning — through reconnecting after moments of difficulty — that children learn resilience, safety, and trust within relationships (Bowlby, 1988; Schore, 2012).

In this way, self-regulation is not something that needs to be perfect. It is something that evolves through awareness, reflection, and the willingness to remain present.

 

Holding Both Experiences

When a child’s emotions feel overwhelming, it can be tempting to focus entirely on the child — to try to manage, reduce, or resolve what is happening as quickly as possible.

At the same time, there is another layer to the moment. Something is also happening within the parent. A response in the body, a shift in emotion, or a sense of pressure to act.

Holding both of these experiences at once can feel unfamiliar, and at times challenging. Yet it offers a more complete understanding of what is unfolding.

It allows space for the recognition that the child’s behaviour is an expression of their internal state, while also acknowledging that the parent’s response is shaped by their own nervous system, history, and current capacity.

This dual awareness creates the possibility of a different kind of response. One that is less about reacting to the surface of the behaviour, and more about responding to the relational moment as a whole.

It may not change the situation immediately. The child may still be distressed. The parent may still feel activated. But it introduces a degree of understanding that can soften the interaction.

Instead of becoming caught in a cycle of escalating emotion, there is an opportunity, even briefly, to step back and notice what is happening between both people.

In doing so, the focus shifts from control to connection.

And from that place, the interaction begins to change — not through force, but through presence.

 

A Gentle Reflection

The next time your child’s feelings begin to feel too much, allow yourself a moment to pause.

Not to fix the situation immediately, but simply to notice.

Notice what is happening around you.
Notice what is happening within you.

Perhaps you become aware of your breathing, your posture, or the pace of your thoughts. Perhaps you notice a feeling of tension or urgency beginning to rise.

There is no need to change it all at once.

Instead, begin with something small. A single slower breath. A softening of your voice. A moment of stillness before responding.

These small shifts may seem subtle, but they begin to create a different experience — both for you and for your child.

And in that moment, you are already doing something important.

You are creating the conditions for regulation, not just through what you do, but through how you are.

 

References

 

Bowlby, J. (1988) A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. New York: Basic Books.

Porges, S.W. (2011) The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York: Norton.

Schore, A.N. (2012) The science of the art of psychotherapy. New York: Norton.

Siegel, D.J. (2012) The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. 2nd edn. New York: Guilford Press.