Supporting Big Feelings

Practical and psychological support for parents and children

Week 1: When Big Feelings Take Over

Sometimes, children don’t have the words to tell us how they feel — but they show us in other ways.

There are moments in parenting that can feel sudden and overwhelming. A child who was calm just minutes before may become distressed, frustrated, or withdrawn, and it can feel difficult to understand what has changed.

For many children — particularly those who are neurodivergent — emotions are not always experienced as something that can be easily named or explained. Instead, they are felt in the body first. A tightening in the chest, a surge of energy, a sense of discomfort or unease. These internal experiences can build quickly, often without warning, and may be expressed through behaviour rather than words.

From a developmental perspective, this reflects how emotional awareness evolves over time. Early emotional experiences are primarily sensory and physiological, with language developing later as children begin to make sense of these internal states (Siegel, 2012; Schore, 2012). For children with differences in sensory processing or regulation, these bodily experiences may feel more intense, less predictable, and more difficult to organise.

Understanding Behaviour as Communication

When a child becomes dysregulated, what we often notice first is the behaviour. It might appear as shouting, refusal, withdrawal, or an emotional outburst that feels disproportionate to the situation. Yet beneath this outward expression, something more complex is happening.

Behaviour, particularly in young children, is often the most accessible form of communication available to them. When language is limited — or when it becomes temporarily unavailable under stress — the body and behaviour take over. Research suggests that during heightened emotional states, the brain shifts away from areas responsible for reasoning and language, and towards more primitive survival responses (Porges, 2011). In these moments, a child may not be able to explain what is wrong, follow instructions, or draw on strategies they might otherwise be able to use.

What can look like defiance or resistance is often a sign that the child is overwhelmed — perhaps by sensory input, by an unexpected change, or by the challenge of processing multiple demands at once (Greene, 2014; National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, 2004). When we begin to view behaviour through this lens, it becomes less about managing what we see and more about understanding what is happening underneath.

The Role of the Body in Big Feelings

Emotional experiences begin in the body long before they are understood in the mind. A child may notice a racing heart, tight muscles, or a feeling of restlessness without knowing what it means. These sensations can feel confusing, and at times overwhelming, particularly when they arrive suddenly or with intensity.

This process is often described as bottom-up processing, where sensory and physiological responses occur prior to conscious awareness (Ogden, Minton and Pain, 2006).

For neurodivergent children, differences in interoception — the ability to recognise and interpret internal bodily signals — can make this process even more complex (Mahler, 2016). The body may react quickly, but the understanding of that reaction may come much later, if at all.

As a result, children may respond in ways that seem unexpected or difficult to manage. Not because they are unwilling, but because they are trying to make sense of something that feels unclear or overwhelming from the inside.

Why Co-Regulation Matters

In these moments, children are not yet able to regulate themselves independently. What they need instead is the presence of someone who can help them feel safe enough to begin to settle.

Co-regulation is not about fixing or correcting behaviour. It is about offering a calm and steady presence that the child can begin to attune to. This might be communicated through a slower pace, a softer tone of voice, or simply staying nearby without increasing the demand on the child. Over time, these experiences become internalised. Children begin to learn, gradually and repeatedly, what it feels like to move from a state of overwhelm back to a state of calm.

Attachment research has long emphasised the importance of this process. When a child experiences consistent, responsive care, they begin to develop the internal resources needed for self-regulation (Bowlby, 1988; Schore, 2012). In this way, regulation is not something that is taught directly, but something that is experienced and then learned.

A Shift in Perspective

When we begin to understand behaviour in this way, something important changes. The focus moves away from the behaviour itself and towards the experience behind it.

Instead of asking, “Why is my child behaving like this?” we might find ourselves asking, “What might my child be experiencing right now?”

This shift does not remove the challenge of these moments, but it can soften the way we respond to them. It creates space for curiosity, for patience, and for connection — even when things feel difficult.

A Gentle Reflection

The next time your child’s feelings seem to take over, pause for a moment.

Notice what might be happening beneath the behaviour.

Consider what their body might be experiencing, what triggers might be causing this behaviour,

And remind yourself:

They are not giving you a hard time.

They are having a hard time.

References

Bowlby, J. (1988) A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. New York: Basic Books.

Greene, R.W. (2014) The explosive child. 5th edn. New York: Harper.

Mahler, K. (2016) Interoception: The eighth sensory system. Shawnee Mission, KS: AAPC Publishing.

National Scientific Council on the Developing Child (2004) Young children develop in an environment of relationships. Working Paper No. 1. Harvard University.

Ogden, P., Minton, K. and Pain, C. (2006) Trauma and the body: A sensorimotor approach to psychotherapy. New York: Norton.

Porges, S.W. (2011) The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York: Norton.

Schore, A.N. (2012) The science of the art of psychotherapy. New York: Norton.

Siegel, D.J. (2012) The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. 2nd edn. New York: Guilford Press.

Shonkoff, J.P. et al. (2012) ‘The lifelong effects of early childhood adversity and toxic stress’, Pediatrics, 129(1), pp. e232–e246.